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Deep one DC winter night
White with snow and chill
There begins our robber’s tale
Listen if you will

Through the night there crept a crew
Masked and armed and doughty
And though I’ll call them “fearless few”
You know they were quite naughty

Arriving at the bank to steal
Their object of desire
Yakuza’s skill would work at speed
Cutting through the wire

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Opting for the chimney route
In cheery Christmas spirit
Ex-president would climb this chute
And, lubricated, clear it

On entering the mighty bank
And seeing the alarm
The fearless few gave silent thanks
To hacker’s nimble charms

A guard was mishandling his watch
With groans heard from his phone
Ex cop scoundrel snuck him by
As the screen with lewdness shone

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Another guard was taken down
By stab from silent knife
“Fuck, I really nailed that one”
The tuber told his wife

As guard control asked “What’s that noise?”
Their luck was nearly spent
But one grabbed pager from the corpse
And told of little friend

The guard that had departed life
Was now a tell-tale corpse
Ex game dev got his tool box out
And did the bloody chores

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The mighty vault they found at last
Our valiant fearless few
And younger brother urged them fast:
“Do not act stupid, you”

A drill was mounted now in place
The hockey thug he spoke
With pride radiating from his face:
“This dick, it isn’t broke”

Around the corner then appeared
A lone and frightened banker
One robber grabbed him and declared:
“I’ll cable-tie the wanker”

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This drill” the tuber warrior said
“It’s making too much noise”
And then there came a shout: “Alarm!”
In fearful guardsman’s voice

Soon police arrived so fierce
And gambler grabbed her gun
And bullets sprayed and so did brains
And many cops were gone

As more police came pouring in
To stop the theft of riches
The shotgun-wielding biker said:
“I’ll kill you punk-ass bitches”

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The battle raged along so fierce
For mastery of the vault
But hitman made his bullets pierce
Which ended the assault

A shout of triumph then was heard
The drilling work was done
The marble-faced so calmly said:
“Now friends, begins the fun”

But lo, there was another door!
With not even a bell
The dingo did at once put forth:
“Let’s blast it right to hell!”

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Through C4-blasted doors they sped
With plenty sacks of loot
“Please take care to mind your head”
Said rooster-headed dude

Then came another wave of blues
And gunfire did sound
The star-specked said: “I’ll pay my dues”
“And put you in the ground”

Then forth stepped one to face the cops
He shouted: “Ho-ho-ho!”
“I’ll show you what’s for Christmas, sops!”
His face was white with snow

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Bag on bag of loot they brought
As guns were bringing hell
And even the sicario thought
‘Twas going rather well

The trifoil moved towards the van
Through the bullet rain
Shouting as she quickly ran:
“We fucked them like a train!”

Ex-soldier now got in the van
And fired parting shots
He said to driver: “Floor it, man”
“And try to lose the cops!”

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Through the early morning light
The van now sped away
From casings, blood and medic bags
The traces of the fray

As safely soon they all arrived
To safe house, full of mirth
The butler crossed his arms and sighed:
“I’ll need to wash your shirts”

And thus here ends our Christmas tale
With strife and danger fraught
And if you’d want to try the same
Make sure you don’t get caught


A PAYDAY 2 Christmas Tale - Free Update
The holidays are around the corner and we’re celebrating it with a special free holiday update for PAYDAY 2. We’ve added several cool season-themed things in the game, and we’re also offering some fun content on our website and Instagram - including a full-blown illustrated Christmas tale of larceny and bullet-riddled action!

Heist Seasonal Looks
Hoxton Breakout and Breakin’ Feds have both been given a fresh new winter holiday look. This is a time-limited seasonal change, so both heists will revert back to normal after the holidays.

New Outfits
We’re adding a bunch of new outfits, including several different stylish Christmas blazers and a truly classic outfit: Bodhi’s Pool Repair.

New Music
Three new music tracks have been added to the game:
“Sly Gloves” - a stealth track that plays by default on Breakin’ Feds
“Blast our way out” - plays by default on Hoxton Breakout day 1
“Propulsive Force” - plays by default on Hoxton Breakout day 2

More PAYDAY 2 Goodies
For more cool art and illustrations, check out our Instagram page.

Text: Wraith Web Graphics: Sherminator Illustrations: Kristofer Animations on IG: TT Page Code: Adam Sound Recording: RG270 Narrator: Hoxton (aka Pete Gold)